This is the first time in 20 years that I haven’t had to work at the mall during the Holiday Season, so why can’t I get into the spirit? I guess it’s because I miss spending it with people. Mercy and I are mainly alone for the whole break except for Christmas day, when we will be heading to my folks house for finger foods and games. Why isn’t that enough for me?
When I ask my sister when we can come up next and she tells me about her plans every day up to Christmas, why does it make me cry? Because I am an extremely social person with no friends. I had to lie when sis asked if I felt bad when she told me about all her plans. It’s not her fault. She shouldn’t have to be my social director. But every time she tells me about her plans with friends, I want to cry.
I know that this is my own fault, because we have become hermits over the past ten years. And now ever since Mercy got sick, things have been very lonely. She sleeps a lot at random times, even when she isn’t in bed. I never know if she’ll be up for visitors (physically or mentally).
Today we went and got a Christmas tree, lights, and ornaments. She had been so into it this morning while we were still at home, but when we started looking at lights and ornaments she had no opinion. I got irritated and we had an argument. I’m tired of sarcasm or even a nonchalant attitude about Christmas. I want music and carols, lights and scents, presents and outings, etc. I want a Holiday. I am worn out. I want an escape. I’m tired of reality.
I miss being in a CHristmas Choir. It never mattered what decorations or presents we had for Christmas, as long as I could go to the pretend world of Christmas Carols. There is a beautiful world that exists inside of Christmas Carols and musicals.
There never is pain and sorrow in carols or musicals, no matter how serious the lyrics or plot. I never realized how much I used these things for escapism. I now know because I miss them so much. The other day, the daily prompt had the subject about most memorable holidays. I was excited about the topic, but couldn’t come up with anything. I know that I had great Christmases, so why couldn’t I think of one? Because what I loved about Christmas was the singing and the holiday cheer. I miss the parties that my parents would bring us to when we were kids. I’d say that I miss the parties ‘period’, but truth is I’ve only been to two Christmas parties in the last 20 years. I don’t have friends that throw these parties. I have many cynical and non-festive friends. I am the dork for liking Christmas and especially for liking carols. Which never really bothered me before, why does it bother me now?
I was always the wall flower, but no one ever noticed because everyone liked me. They all liked me, but never asked me to do things. Some thought I always had plans already, so they never asked. Others thought that they’d made the invitation open to me without actually saying it. If we somehow ended up in a one-on-one situation, they’d talk to me for hours and enjoy themselves. But people don’t invite me to things. And I am not the kind of person to go somewhere uninvited. Sure they used to give a blanket invite to me when they were heading to a bar later that day. But I don’t get called up and invited specifically. I know that I probably didn’t show up to different blanket invites, so then I eventually got off the list. So I know that it really is my own fault, but how do I get past this?
What changes do I need to make to get friends again? Again? Who have been my real friends over the years? Most of my friends never lasted very long and in the end were never as close as I had thought and hoped. I’ve had ‘best friends’ hang out with mere acquaintances on my birthday instead of coming to my get-together and then lie about it. I lost most friends after a couple years all the time while growing up because we moved every three years. So the only people who I ever really kept close were my immediate family.
I know that this is a very whiny post, for which I apologize. I don’t like being the whiny, weepy girl. This post sounds like the whine sessions that I would have when I was twenty-ish and wanting to be in a relationship. It’s just drivel.