What’s my rep? My answer is going to sound conceited. I’m the smart girl and the angel…by people who really don’t know me very well and I hate it.
As soon as anyone finds out that I have a degree in math — “Oh my god, you are REALLY smart! I sucked at math!” Who decided that the litmus test for intelligence was math? Now I’m not saying that I’m not smart, but I also don’t deserve this jaw dropping state of awe. Do people treat English or History degree holders the same way?
My problems with being put on this smart pedestal:
- I struggle with reading and writing, so if these same people listened to me read or read my blog, would they still think that I am really smart?
- If I’m so smart, why have I never been able to figure out a way to get past living paycheck to paycheck.
- Many people who comment about how smart I am, also imply that they are stupid because they ‘can’t do math’. I like to remind these same people of all the math they do in stores, at home, and with their bank accounts. Who care if they don’t know the quadratic formula? I sure don’t care, and I’m a math geek.
- ‘Your intelligence is wasted in your current career.’ This comment really infuriates me, but not because I disagree with them. It’s more because with my current credentials, I don’t know what kind of job I could apply for/am qualified for that wouldn’t be a waste of my intelligence. I can read job descriptions and know for a fact that I would excel in that job, but my exact credentials don’t match what they are looking for and I don’t know how to word my résumé/cover letters in ways that that job would consider me.
- If I’m so smart, why do I have $65000 in student loans from a bachelor’s degree that I have no way of paying, let alone plans of how to pay off. And why have I had two bankruptcies in my life?
- I feel like these smart comments bring us all back to high school comparing GPA’s. Don’t they realize that none of that shit really matters?
I’ve talked about Mercy and her health and that I am her caregiver. I have a lot on my plate and try to keep on top of it Maybe I do more than some people think that they would do in the same situation. But I really don’t think about the things that I do for Mercy…I just do them. It all just comes naturally.
But what people don’t seem to notice, is that I also fuck up.
- I flip out and scream for stupid things.
- I look at my phone while talking to people.
- I think there are people that should not be in college and are never going to graduate no matter how hard they try.
- I wait for my time to jump into the conversation instead of completely listening.
- I am a profession procrastinator.
- I lie and sometimes cheat.
- Every term I have at least one student that I wold love to call out in front of the class and verbally berate and then kick out for the rest of the term.
- I break laws.
- I think some education related disabilities are total bullshit.
- My favorite word is fuck.
- I judge.
- I do think there is such a thing as a stupid question.
- I’m rude.
- I’m human.
I don’t like being thought of as an angel because it excuses any of my bad behavior and my faults. I NEED to be wrong sometimes. These acquaintances won’t hold me accountable for my bad behavior because of ‘all the good I do’. Good does not erase bad.
Don’t get me wrong. I think that I am generally a good, intelligent woman who isn’t anywhere near evil. I just need to be able to have faults that others recognize.
Luckily, there are those who see the real me and hold me accountable. They are few, but an important few.